This is Me Trying

Today is Laura Tremaine’s annual #onedayhh challenge on Instagram. I’ve been a long time follower and listener of Laura on Instagram and her podcast (10 Things To Tell You and before that Sorta Awesome) and in turn, a long time lurker of this challenge. It wasn’t until last year that I finally worked up the courage to participate.

If you aren’t familiar, the #onedayhh challenge is simply documenting a day in your life on social media (the “hh” stands for “hour by hour”). There’s nothing flashy about it and it’s open to anyone, but I have always been too afraid to participate. There were all sorts of reasons as to why—my life was too boring, who would even care about my day?, my stories would look too dashy—but my main fear was looking like I was trying too hard. This has been a pervasive fear most of my life and has held me back from doing a lot of things, especially when I was younger.

As someone who was naturally gifted athletically and academically in my youth, I learned to rely on that natural ability. But my God given talents could only take me so far and when they proved to not be enough to take me to the next level, the thought of actually having to try terrified me.

In middle school, my two sports were pole vaulting and basketball. In seventh grade I was the star of both. “A” team starter who always did the jump ball at the beginning of games in basketball. School record setter and district champion in pole vaulting. But my eighth grade year, girls with more determination came for my spots. I’ll never forget being out sick for a few days and coming back to news that a new student had moved in and she was fierce on the court. And oh guess what? She played the same position as me. Where I relied on my height and impressive wing span, she relied on her grit and hustle. Where I sat politely cross legged on the bench, she leaned forward, sweat dripping from her forehead, breathing heavily, and gulping water greedily. I was not used to this kind of ambition and I didn’t know how to react when faced with it. My options were either try even harder to compete with her or concede and let her take my spot. I chose the latter. I told my coach I didn’t want to do the jump ball anymore, effectively giving over my starting position. When faced with the opportunity to rise to the occasion, I sank.

I did the same thing in the spring when track season rolled around. Girls’ pole vaulting in the mid-2000’s wasn’t exactly a lucrative sport, but as the granddaughter of an Olympic pole vaulter, it was to me. But not lucrative enough to give it my all. In the off season my dad would pester me to go up to the track to practice or climb the rope he hung in our backyard to build my strength, but I was uninterested. Basketball was my real sport, pole vaulting was just for fun. Although I loved it and loved carrying on a family tradition even more, I smugly assumed as the reigning district champion, a position in the track meet line up was mine for the taking. The only problem was, a teammate of mine had spent the off season practicing. She did everything she could to get better and flat out told me, “I’m coming for your spot.” And she did. When I stopped trying, she kept going, and that year, I didn’t make it to as many meets as before. Rather than letting my competitive spirit fuel me, though, I took it as a sign that maybe pole vaulting wasn’t my thing after all and basically gave it up altogether.

In high school, I spent four years believing the absolute most embarrassing thing I could do was try. I hardly wore makeup. I rolled out of bed and threw on the first clothes I could find, never bothering to look cute, lest someone think, that’s the best she can do? I kept my circle of friends tight to ward off the chance of being rejected by anyone who didn’t want to be my friend. I made myself so small and tried to take up the least amount of space possible because I had internalized, but skewed the message, “better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” My sixth grade math teacher introduced our class to that quote and while I totally agree with its intent, I somehow expanded its meaning to every area of my life. “Better to stay small and be thought a fool than to try and remove all doubt.”

Thankfully in college, I began to break free of this warped thinking, like a baby bird awkwardly and tentatively emerging from its shell. In a new environment with new people, I felt free to try new things and put effort into areas I had previously ignored. It didn’t happen all at once. My GPA was so low my first semester, I barely was able to live in my sorority house the next year because I ranked so far down the list. It took me a whole semester to shake off the “I can coast by” attitude I had adopted academically my senior year of high school. But little by little, I started to try again. Little by little, I began to realize no one was paying as much attention to me trying as I once believed because they were all busy paying attention to their own efforts.

Over the next decade, I slowly unraveled my toxic beliefs around trying. Moving to new cities was a huge impetus for this unraveling. When you’re new, if you don’t put yourself “out there”, you become lost in the crowd. Moving to Oklahoma City after I got married and then again to Houston forced me to try new things and put myself in uncomfortable situations. Starting the Craving Connection podcast was another way I pushed through those feelings. Where I once would have let the fear of what others might think stop me, having the support of my longtime friend as my cohost helped me not get stuck in that mindset.

Infertility has been the biggest push by far, though. As I mentioned last week, you don’t get pregnant without trying and when you’re infertile, you don’t get pregnant without trying everything. Living in this world for the past five years has forced me to drop not only any semblance of control I once held, but also any notion that trying is embarrassing. If I don’t try to get something I want, the only person losing out is me.

Which brings me back to this social media challenge. Despite my strides in this area, I still have to push past my first instinct not to try, not to take up space. Last year was my first year pushing past those instincts and I had so much fun documenting a day in my life. I went back through those stories last night and even though it was only a year ago, there were so many little moments that used to be daily occurrences I had already forgotten about. Like how my daughter ate bagels with butter and sprinkles for breakfast every morning. Like how we would start our days with our preferred beverages, coffee for me, milk for her, and read books for 20-30 minutes every day. I was also pleasantly surprised to see how much has stayed the same. How she still insists we drive by the Halloween inflatables in our neighbor’s yard to check if they’re still up. How we still go to BSF together. How I still fall asleep a comfort show¹ every night.

I’m so glad I didn’t let the fear of striking out keep me from playing the game (wooowww, I really just said that. I feel like Hilary Duff in A Cinderella Story). So this year I’m participating again and if the idea of documenting a day in your normal life, just as it is in November of 2024, appeals to you, I invite you to join along. You can share as much or as little as you want, but at the end of the day, I can say with confidence that you’ll be glad you shared. Last year I was shocked by the people who responded to my seemingly mundane stories and who thanked me for sharing, saying they appreciated following along. Sharing is how we connect with others and despite the feedback we may or may not get, it’s also a form of connecting with ourselves.

If you want to follow along, you can search the hashtag #onedayhh on Instagram. You can also follow me here. I’d love to know if you decide to participate so I can follow a day in your life, as well!

1. My list of comfort shows includes: Parks and Rec, The Office, Brooklyn 99, New Girl, Schitt’s Creek, How I Met Your Mother, 30 Rock, Modern Family, The Good Place... I’m probably forgetting something. Last year at this time I was on 30 Rock. This year it’s New Girl.