Throwback: Contentment
Or how I'm learning to redefine what "favor" looks like
Today I sat in church and listened as our pastor give a sermon on Luke 1:26-38. I read the notes I had written in the margin of my Bible last year about favor and grace, and it reminded me of this post I wrote almost exactly a year ago. While some of the details may have changed for 2024, the message still rings true today. While I sat and listened to a “refresher” on a sermon I had heard before, I thought maybe this would be a good time for a “refresher” on this take away, as well. During this season where it’s easy to let the undercurrent of discontentment pull us under, let us remember the many ways the Lord’s favor abounds.
Yesterday was September 8th and somehow I woke up and today is December 8th. I’m sure it’s the motherhood of it all, but each holiday season feels like it goes by faster and faster. While I’m busy birthday party planning, Instagram is selling me Halloween costumes. By the time I’ve decided on Halloween costumes, I look up and everyone around me is fully decorated for Christmas. By the time I’m ready to decorate for Christmas, every store is sold out of this year’s “it” garland and I’m left feeling like the loser who doesn’t have my act together. I don’t know whose idea it was to cram all the major holidays into a two month span, but they clearly did not consult the women of the world who are primarily responsible for making the magic happen. We would’ve told them we need just a little more time to regroup between festivities, lest we wind up with holiday whiplash. Discontentment.
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Last week I was lamenting to KB about a social situation where I felt decidedly icky, but couldn’t pinpoint why. Was it jealousy? Sadness? Anger? Judgment? Honestly, probably an amalgam of all four, but whatever the root, I was left feeling restless and vexed. Through the lens of these feelings, I was rejected, my house was small and ugly, I was behind in life, I had no food, no money, and our pet's heads were falling off. Discontentment.
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At this point, my fertility journey feels like one big joke. My doctor’s office didn’t realize I had a certain test done, so I had to hound them for results. When the results were finally communicated, details were limited. I began a treatment protocol I am on board with but not thrilled about. The interactions with my care team have been tense. I have spent hours on the phone with different pharmacies trying to order a medication that, oh by the way, may have to be sent to Houston and you’ll just have to come down here and get it right before Christmas. The woman who works in medical prior authorizations apologized for me having to be the guinea pig for developing a new protocol on how this medication is handled in the future and observed “there are certain patients who everything seems to be a battle for” and I am one of them. Oh, and my doctor is on maternity leave. Discontentment.
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My word of the year for 2023 was “better”. When I chose this word, I was on the cusp of my first embryo transfer after having my daughter, with no reason to believe it wouldn’t stick. While I envisioned this word encompassing many areas of my life, I pledged to have a “better” pregnancy and postpartum experience because this time I knew what to expect, would hopefully be less anxious, and knew everything was a season. I tackled home organization projects I knew I wouldn’t have the energy for down the road and froze extra portions of meals I cooked, saving my future nauseous self time in the kitchen. I tried to start off by doing “better”, but it was all in vain. I could’ve organized every cabinet in our home and made freezer meals to last us for months, but no amount of preparation or positive mindsets were going to give me a baby. Discontentment.
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Last week at church, our pastor gave a sermon on Luke 1:26-38, where Gabriel announces Jesus’s birth to Mary. Twice in the passage, Mary is described as being “favored” by God. Hearing the word “favored” creates an image in my mind of someone who floats by in life. Someone who has their Halloween costumes decided by August, who fully decorates her house for Christmas before Thanksgiving while somehow still staying present in the moment. Someone who doesn’t have to spend hours on the phone with medical professionals because she gets pregnant by looking at her husband in her beautifully curated home. I equate favor with ease. But our pastor explained how the word “favor” used here can be translated to “grace”. “Greetings, graced woman! The Lord is with you.” (Luke 1:28) “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found grace with God.” (Luke 1:30)
At this point in time, Mary didn’t have the benefit of hindsight to see how her life would pan out, what with the whole her being the mother of Jesus and all. All she knew was she was a virgin, engaged to a man who was not the biological father of this child, and was going to give birth to a baby in a culture where that was very much NOT accepted. She was sure to face scrutiny and misunderstanding for the rest of her life. I’m sure she didn’t exactly feel favored at the moment— her life was certainly not going to be one of ease. But God’s favor didn’t look like prosperity or tranquility, it looked like Him providing abundant grace for what He had called Mary to do.
This idea radically shifted my perspective not only on this story I’ve heard so many times, but on the idea of favor in general. This whole year I’ve felt left behind and discontent, wondering if the hardships I’ve faced were a sign I was doing it all wrong. Was it possible that instead of being forgotten, I have actually been favored? I began to see all the ways the Lord has provided abundant grace to me this year.
After two years of searching, we finally found a church home we love.
I have fostered deeper connections with various mom friends, something I’ve desperately wanted since becoming a mom.
I discovered the benefits of acupuncture and massage and am seeing improvements in my body (every Friday morning, you can find me lying supine on a table covered in needles).
At the beginning of the year I felt like post nap-before dinner was the wild wild west of our days and had no structure. While it’s still not my favorite time, I’ve found rhythms and routines to make the time more tolerable.
We’ve hosted parties and get-togethers and taken trips resulting in lifelong memories, things we love to do as a couple but don’t always make time for.
After a beneficial, but tough, year of Bible Study Fellowship last year, this year’s study and group have been amazing and taught me more about Jesus than I knew before.
I started writing again and continued to keep Olive and Orange going, meeting a huge goal in October with boo boxes.
After pregnancy and all the changes 2020-2021 brought, plus the first year postpartum, 2023 really did bring back pieces of myself I had laid dormant for awhile. So many areas of my life got “better” this year. So much grace was lavished upon me for the areas that improved, but also the ones that didn’t.
While I have experienced setbacks and heartbreak, it hasn’t changed the Lord’s favor in my life. He has provided encouragement in big and small ways all along the way. Care packages, meals, listening ears, prayers, childcare, advocates, a timely word, new diagnoses that will hopefully give clarity. I’ve gained confidence and feel more secure in who I am and what I believe than I did a year ago, and that can only be attributed to the Lord’s work within me.
It is my nature to equate ease with favor and postpone contentment until all of my desires are fulfilled, but I know that means I’ll be delaying contentment forever. Even if I had all the things my heart has longed for this year, I’d still find reasons to be discontent, because none of those things can fully satisfy me. Full satisfaction won’t be found on this side of heaven, but until then, I am covered with the favor, the grace, of God as I go through life. I can find contentment in the circumstances I currently face because what He has called me to, He’ll see me through.
“But God’s favor didn’t look like prosperity or tranquility, it looked like Him providing abundant grace for what He had called Mary to do.”
I will be reflecting a lot about this in the coming days leading to the new year. This piece moved me in so many ways Kelsey and how Grace is there for us.
Oh, Kelsey there is so much good and hard here. And I relate in many ways even though my circumstances are different.
“I could’ve organized every cabinet in our home and made freezer meals to last us for months, but no amount of preparation or positive mindsets were going to give me a baby.”
Discontentment makes sense here. Not just discontentment, but grief and anger and questioning. I know that’s not the point of the essay (and you touched on feeling the feels in your recent tears post), but just wanting to say I see your pain and it makes you human, not ungrateful.
“Someone who doesn’t have to spend hours on the phone with medical professionals because she gets pregnant by looking at her husband in her beautifully curated house.” Lol
“So much grace was lavished upon me for the areas that improved, but also the ones that didn’t.” Yes yes yes. The grace is there for all parts of us. 💛
Hope you’re doing well, friend, and can’t wait til the next cohort starts!