How Long Will I Hold On?

Apr 23, 2025

Already bursting at the seams, I shove another

Bag of outgrown clothes into my three-year-old’s

Closet. Should I

Donate these?, I silently wonder.

Even after five embryo transfer

Failures, I can’t keep myself from holding onto the

Gnawing, exhausting, relentless

Hope that another baby will come along. But also?

I’m

Just not ready to relinquish the reminders of her baby days. I

Keep these mementos

Like hoarding them will prevent the

Memories from fading. I

Never want to forget how darling she looked in her

Orange Halloween dress. Or how every morning I would

Push her around the block while she sat contentedly and

Quietly in her stroller. Because clothes aren’t the only

Relics I hold onto.

Swings and strollers

Take up precious real estate in our garage and attic. How long will I hold on? I muse.

Until she’s in elementary school? Until another baby comes along? I don’t have an answer. Not yet. Right now, it feels

Very likely I’ll forever cling to these tangible reminders of hope.

Waiting for the chance to use them again. Wishing I could have bottled up the time I did. I know having another baby will not

Xerox the experience of my first, but every time I catch a glimpse of one of these treasures, I

Yearn for days gone by and days yet to come. I know in our culture it’s not popular to say, but being a mom has been the

Zenith of my life. Is it too much to reach for the stars twice?

Format inspired by

’s beautiful piece here