My daughter pulls the hard cover book off the side table and snuggles up next to me on the couch to flip through its pages. Though she’s not overtly present in any of the pictures, rather growing safely inside my belly, she knows the characters by heart.
“That’s you, and Dada, and Baby Z.”
“That’s right”, I reply.
“And those are my headphones. Why does he have my headphones?”
“Because before they were yours, they were his. We took him on an airplane and bought those headphones for him to wear on the trip.”
She studies another picture and recognizes the longhorn skull currently affixed over our fireplace, although in this picture it hangs in a different living room, on a different wall.
“Hey! We have that too!” But despite her advanced skills of perception, she doesn’t yet have the vocabulary to ask the questions I know she’s trying to form— why are you guys in a different house, with a different baby, but with a lot of our same stuff?
It’s a point I’ve given a lot of consideration to and although she hasn’t asked yet, one I know she soon will. How were you someone else’s mommy and daddy before you were mine? How did you have this whole other life before I came around? Why does everything look vaguely similar to the life we live now, but also completely different?
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Baby Z has always been an open conversation topic in our family. There is a framed picture of my husband and I holding him on Easter Sunday, truly the happiest weekend we had together before his traumatic departure. We have the aforementioned book of pictures in our living room, which our daughter loves to look through, and we use his name as often as we can. But at two years old, she does not understand the foster care system. All she knows is Baby Z needed a home and a mommy and daddy for a little while and we gave that to him until his own family could take care of him again. For now, that answer suffices. As she grows, though, I know she will have more questions. As she grows, I wonder how it will feel to think of her mom and dad raising another child. Much like when I was a child and would see a teacher at the grocery store or a restaurant, realizing your parents have a life beyond you is jarring.
But I want her to know. I want her to know that before her, there was him. I want her to know that loving him was so fun even if saying goodbye broke my heart. And I would do it over again, even knowing the outcome.
I want her to know that the reason we work so hard to provide her with a solid foundation and a childhood full of love is so she can use them as a launching pad to spread those resources to others. The world needs more adults who are willing to step into hard places for vulnerable children.
I want her to know that sometimes you are only called to do something for a season, and it is still worthy. I want her to know that even if she’s not a foster parent, she can still do something for kids and parents in the foster care system. We all can.
I want her to know parents whose children end up in foster care are worthy of love, even when it feels easier to judge them. I want her to know the truest form of hospitality is opening up your heart even when you know it will be broken, even when you know the person can do nothing for you in return.
I want her to know all of this is too overwhelming in her own strength, but God will equip her with everything good that she may do His will (Hebrews 13:21). I want her to know that if He gave His life to love them, so should we.
And I want you to know, too.
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May is Foster Care Awareness Month and I didn’t want the month to end without sharing a few ways you can support the foster parents in your life, as well as the foster care system as a whole. While not everyone can or should be a foster parent, everyone can and should do something. Here are some ideas to get started:
Get certified to babysit!!! This is the most helpful, practical way to lend a helping hand. Foster parents cannot use “regular” babysitters, adding yet another item to their mental load. Each state has different regulations, so check the requirements of your state, but our friends and family who became certified babysitters were the biggest blessing to us.
Become certified to provide respite care. This requires more training and certification than babysitting and allows you to keep the children for longer overnight stays while foster parents go out of town or simply need a bit of a break. If you are considering becoming a foster parent but aren’t ready to fully commit, this is a great way to dip your toe in the water.
Donate clothing and supplies to organizations that support foster care. If you have children, you are likely already donating clothes they have outgrown. Would you consider taking an extra step and finding a local organization that donates clothing to children in foster care? If your church or community group spearheads service projects, would you consider raising funds or new supplies for foster care donation organizations?
If you know a foster family, show up with meals, clothes, toys, coffee, etc. Offer to take biological kids for play dates to allow parents to bond with foster children or make the constant shuttling to visitations/therapies/doctor’s appointments a little easier.
Offer to help with mundane tasks like house and lawn care, transportation, grocery shopping, etc. These acts of service go so far!
Love your friend’s foster kids like you would their biological children. Our best friends came to say goodbye to our foster son and cried for him like we did. Our parents showered him with love and continue to pray for him and those acts of love mean more to us than they will ever know.
Mentor at risk youth and support their families. Drive young parents to work so they can continue to provide for their families. Teach them valuable skills. Help break cycles before they start so kids don’t end up in the system in the first place.
Dinner
I love a good sheet pan meal and in the summer, I love a good Mediterranean sheet pan meal. Enter this green goddess sheet pan chicken and veggies and you have the perfect summer weeknight dinner. I made this last night and it was a delight. Bonus points— after throwing several chickpeas on the ground and refusing to taste one, my toddler ended up trying and devouring them, so adding a new food to her repertoire was ALSO a delight.
Rave
By now you may or may not have heard of this buzzy new podcast series, but it feels pertinent to include this week. While it actually has nothing to do with the foster care system, the recurring theme I picked up on over and over again was how adults failed vulnerable kids time and time again and the devastation that occurs when children are separated from their parents. As a mother, I sobbed listening to this at multiple points from multiple points of view. But don’t let that stop you from listening.
Beyond All Repair is a Serial season one-esque podcast series hosted by Amory Siverston in which she delves into the murder 2002 of Marlyne Johnson. I’m not normally a true crime girlie, my sensitivities can’t handle crime as entertainment, however, the premise of this series intrigued me— “Imagine you're accused of something horrific. You swear you didn't do it, but someone says they witnessed it: your own brother. Sophia Johnson was newly married with a baby on the way when she became the prime suspect in her mother-in-law's brutal murder. WBUR's Amory Sivertson reexamines a case unsolved, a family torn apart, and the woman who wasn't believed.” (wbur.org)
This 10 part series will pull you in and keep you guessing until the last episode where unlike with Adnan’s case, there is some resolution at the end.